Everything changes after a baby is born, and that includes your sex life with your partner...
I often wish we could easily have more round table discussions about sex with our spouses, but that may sound a bit awkward for many black folks, especially here in Africa. That notwithstanding, I'm pretty sure that if given the chance, many men would speak about how unbothered their wives are towards their sexual needs, especially after a baby is born. I however, think that the questions we ought to be asking should tow the line of; do women want sex after childbirth? What changes occur in women after childbirth that make them shy away from intercourse? And, what can be done to rekindle sexual enthusiasm in new moms especially?
I think that these are the answers that many dads, old and new, seek. So, in this article, I'll be touching on these issues and sharing from a woman's perspective, how couples can tackle this issue of having amazing sex that is sustainable after childbirth.
The first big question many couples ask is -
When is it okay to have sex after our baby's arrival?
Most doctors advise new moms to wait till after six weeks to have sex. I'm not so sure how they came about this particular number (6 weeks), but I guess it has to do with the fact that you would have to go back to the hospital for a checkup to ascertain whether or not your body is healing properly, and that you are in good medical condition. Once, the checkup is completed and you are doing okay, most doctors give women (and their spouses) the green light to carry on in the other room. And that's it! Nothing is hardly ever said to these moms about what they (or their partners) should expect. Many couples are left with the impression that everything would immediately be back to normal in their sex lives. And because this is usually not the case, there's some sense of disappointment afterwards. This lack of preparation is silently wrecking havoc in many marriages today, because the women are unwilling to put up with painful and/or unpleasant sex with their spouses, and this invariably leaves many new dads sex-starved and frustrated.
This leads me to another important question -
Do women want sex after childbirth?
The answer is YES and NO - I'll explain. You see, many of us moms feel a sense of guilt for giving all our attention to our babies, and somehow pushing our husbands to the sidelines (shocking, huh?). Of course, we want to be intimate with our spouses, so, yes, we want to have sex, but not just any kind of sex. We want to ENJOY sex with our spouses (without having to fake it). Beyond that, we want to relate intimately with our partners, and this goes beyond just having sex. Sadly, this is where many men get it WRONG - focusing solely on just sex!
If it is any consolation, it is understandable that men want to be able to have sex with their wives as soon as their babies are born, because in most cases, they couldn't do so as much as they would have loved to during the third trimester of pregnancy. So it is typical to spot this urgency in new dads, but in many cases, this rush causes more harm than good!
I'm guessing that this might be difficult to get a handle on, especially if you are a man reading this as you're probably wondering why that is. Well, this leads me to the next question, which I'm guessing is on all your minds;
What changes after childbirth that makes sex unappealing to new moms?
Okay, so...first things first, it is important for you to know and understand that the whole birthing process is traumatic to the woman’s body. Imagine pushing out a whole human being and in some cases, going under the knife or getting an episiotomy just to give life to another human. And this happens, after carrying and nurturing this baby in the belly for a nine-month period. It is exhausting and somewhat traumatic to say the least! Here, let me explain how much of a big deal it is; her uterus expands gradually to accommodate the baby's growth in her belly, plus there are a lot of hormonal changes occurring inside of her which lead to various physical changes in her body. I'm sure you get the picture. But then how does all this affect her sexual appetite when you're pretty much ready to give her all that she wants? Let's take a look;
You see, after childbirth different factors come into play; expansion of the cervix during vaginal delivery could make the vagina wider than it used to be. And then estrogen, a major sex hormone in women is drastically reduced causing vaginal dryness which could potentially lead to painful sex. In nursing mothers, there are also increased levels of prolactin which could further reduce sexual desire. Not to mention, the whole process of adjusting to the responsibilities of parenting which is enervating especially for moms because they practically have to cater to the baby’s needs 24/7.
Having a baby is usually a great deal for us women because we are affected on so many levels - emotionally, physically and psychologically. So it may not be very convenient for a new mom to have sex the moment her partner is in the mood when all she’d rather do is get some long-stretched sleep (you get what I mean?).
Anyways, this isn’t a dooms-tale, in fact there are many new parents who are having great sex and enjoying intimacy even after a baby is born. I’m about to let you in on some of their secrets...
My next and final question would be -
How do parents rekindle intimacy in their relationship after a baby is born?
I believe the very first step to take with your partner is to really talk about sex. As awkward as this may seem, many studies have shown that couples who talk about sex (their sexual desires and expectations) are more likely to have better sex. I’m sure you must have heard the phrase - ‘Communication is key!’ Well, it is.
Now dads, I strongly advise that before you swing back into action with your wives, be sure to ask her if she is ready to have sex with you after childbirth. Don't just assume that she is. Many men just get into having sex without seeking consent from their spouses, and this doesn't sit well with many women. She would feel better appreciated when you seek her consent first (irrespective of what the doctor says) before proceeding to resume your sexual escapades. And this goes out to the new moms; do not wait for too long before having sex with your spouse, because waiting longer does not necessarily translate into less painful sex. Instead of keeping your partner waiting for too long, I feel you should tell him how you feel and what you really want. It is perfectly normal not to feel like having sex with him, especially in the first few months after childbirth, but that notwithstanding, you can still be intimate with your partner in ways that you are comfortable with.
If many moms are given the opportunity to express how they truly feel; they are more likely to tell their husbands to take things slow. Now dads, as much as you would like to hurry and get it over with before the baby starts to cry, those initial moments spent with your significant other need not be rushed. So many bodily changes occur during and after childbirth, so she needs time to adjust and also rediscover her body. You see, there is a high possibility that what might have once been pleasurable to her may now be unpleasant, and what might have been unpleasant may now be pleasurable. So you also need patience to explore her body to get to know (afresh) what is exciting to her and what is not.
In all, dear moms, be bold enough to communicate what gives you pleasure and what doesn't even whilst having intercourse. And please dads, try to be understanding because this is not going to be easy for either one of you. It can more or less, be likened to going to an unfamiliar territory to battle...
Besides talking about sex and having sex, parents (especially the new ones) need to explore other ways to be intimate with each other. On this note, I would like to speak to the men reading this - you know, there are many other ways besides having sex to appeal to your wives sexually. The good news here is that if you really get these right, she would be more eager to have sex with you. Here are some other ways to be intimate with your wife;
More Hugs and Kisses
Imagine smelling like breastmilk all day, changing baby poop multiple times in a day, and having your dresses smeared with baby spillage...it doesn't sound sweet now does it? Well, the truth is, this is what your wife has to put up with now that the baby is born, so there's a pretty good chance that she wouldn't want to come close to you, at least not until she's clean and smelling nice. But in reality, it may take a while before she could sneak a bath, so why wait?
I mean, why do you wait till she has had a bath and snuggled up in bed for her nighttime sleep to cuddle her? Why do you wait till that moment when she's overly exhausted to hold her hands or even initiate sex? She's mentally exhausted and physically drained then, so sex is probably the last thing on her mind. I'm hoping that you can see my point here.
What I'm trying to say is that, as much as you can, give her more hugs and kisses during the day, irrespective of how she looks and smells. It would pretty much send a message to her that you really care and she is appreciated. And when she feels this way, she's likely going to be in a better mood for sex.
More Compliments, Less Criticism
Fact is, women are wired differently and so they approach sex in a different manner. A woman would not enjoy sex with her partner if she feels unloved, unappreciated and unappealing. Her emotions play a critical role in determining whether or not she enjoys sex at a particular time. So, imagine what your consistent compliments would translate into in the bedroom?
This is important because birthing a baby can in many ways dampen a woman's self-confidence. She becomes more conscious of her body shape and her appearance. And if she doesn't feel like she's good-looking, her self-esteem and sexual enthusiasm are affected. This is when she needs you most. You need to reassure her of her beauty and compliment her in so many ways. Failure to do this could potentially send the wrong message to your wife and make her feel unloved. And when she’s unhappy, your sex life together would be affected, trust me.
Do not use derogatory words on her; don’t call her fat, lazy or ugly, if you do, you would be destroying her self-esteem and your intimate relationship with her!
Offer To Help More Often Than Not
This may be easily overlooked, but this could solve your marital problems guys. Most moms would tell you this- they wish their husbands would be more helpful with the house chores. Women especially moms find it very attractive when their men help them out with the kids and with house chores. Even if it seems like she could handle it all be sure to offer a helping hand every now and then; do so and she’ll be more eager to get it down with you! And if you are too busy to help, hire a helping hand then!
Spend More Time Together
Spending quality time together doesn’t necessarily mean sharing the same space only! It goes beyond that. It entails holding hands often, watching TV together on the same couch, taking walks together, talking to each other, eating together, praying together, going out on dates, sleeping on the same bed...and so on. Such close proximity with your spouse is beneficial to your relationship as it creates an atmosphere of intimacy which would pretty much fuel your sexual desires and sexcapades. So dads, which of these are you consistently doing? Think you can add some more to your to-do list? If you really want to get intimate with your spouse then you should try these more often.
Buy Her Gifts, But More Importantly Speak Her Love Language
Who doesn’t like to receive a good gift? We all love gifts now, don’t we? Especially, thoughtful gifts. So be sure to gift each other every now and then. And although I’m mostly addressing the dads here, this should be applied both ways. Men also like to receive gifts from their partners, so plan a surprise gift for him ladies!
But beyond this, it may be possible that you are doing your best to impress your spouse and it’s all to no avail. It could also be that you are sending the wrong signals or simply not communicating love to your significant other, because you are speaking a language that she does not understand. There are different love languages and each of us have our own unique love language. This means that we appreciate love better when it is spoken to us in our unique love language. Thankfully, I have written a whole article on this topic, and you can find it;
hereTo conclude this article, I would like to say that intimacy is an integral part of every marriage and it is important that both partners work together to achieve this. I hope this article helps your relationship in one way or many ways :-).
Thank you for reading, please don’t just read it alone, also share this article with your spouse, friends, family, especially moms and dads who are struggling with sustaining intimacy in their relationship. Subscribe to this blog, to get notifications when new articles are released.
See you in my next post....
Related Articles
Not interested in any of these? Use the 'categories' tab below to read other motivational, business and health articles on this blog!
0 Comments