As a girl who in the past sought desperately for commitment from my exes and yet failed each time, I have learned that you cannot coerce a man into doing something that he simply doesn’t want to do. A real man will only commit to you if he wants to and he will only do so whenever he wants to. But this is just a brief statement that caps it all (sort of).
Having been in several failed relationships I have learned within this time that there are various reasons most men shy away from commitment.
Permit me to share these invaluable lessons which took me quite a good number of years to learn. Who knows? Perhaps if I had known these earlier I would have done things differently.
‘So you browse through your social media and all you see are pictures of couples who either recently got engaged or married, on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, WhatsApp, Snapchat, you name it...
But what hurts even more is the fact that you happen to know most of them. One of them is a friend, who you know just started dating this new guy, few months ago, and now she’s gotten married to him…
You feel very frustrated because you have been with John (your boyfriend) for almost three years and he hasn’t even done so much as buy you an engagement ring. Yet all your close friends are newly weds! (Okay, maybe not ALL of them yet, but some of them, you know how we girls tend to exaggerate at times 😉).
Deep down you know that you love your man with all your heart, and you have proven it countless times to him. So it hurts you when he doesn’t reciprocate by doing the needful (which in your opinion is to get down on one knee and ask you to marry him!)’
Well dear, I’ve got just four words for you; You are not alone!!!
Yes, and please allow this to sink in! Some of us have been there, while some others are currently going through something similar. And in our minds we can't help but ask ourselves this prominent question over and over again - ‘Why won't he just commit?’
Well, there are probably a whole lot of reasons, and he has probably told you some of them even. Let me quickly mention a few;
Each time you bring up the topic about ‘him proposing to you’ or ‘him meeting your parents’ or ‘you both getting married,’ he says something like; “Oh but honey, why can't you just let these things be? It'll happen when the time is right!” or “How many times do I have to tell you that we should just let things flow? Don't force it!” or “Babe you worry too much about the future, let it be!” or “Honey, I'm not ready just give me ‘so and so’ amount of time, I'll make you happy I promise” or the worst of it all is when he gives no response at all.
Doesn't make much sense huh? Some of us ladies have chosen to tag these responses as nothing but plain ‘ol ‘excuses’. Little wonder we keep on pestering him with our incessant pleas.
Okay ladies, hold up! Let me tell you something that you already know but simply choose to ignore most of the time. Men are wired differently, or simply put, a man is not a woman! I guess this is why it's safe to say that rather than engage in constructive communication with their partners most men would choose instead to lash out irrationally or give inconclusive answers to their partners, rather than say what is actually going on in their minds.
So here it comes, think of me as the fortunate lady who was privileged enough to dive into the minds of men just so I can share with mostly you ladies the real reasons they won't commit. Hey! Just kidding 😄.
Here are:
Seven (7) Reasons Your Man Won't Commit
(Please note that it could be one or more of these or none at all);
#1 - He has someone else in mind
“What?! Hell no!” you say. But what if I told you “hell yeah, it's true!” You see this particular incidence happens a lot, especially in our day and time where there's so much competition. Your man - he goes out and definitely meets some pretty good-looking and smart-ass women, you know?
Wait, surely you did not think you're the only good woman for him, or did you? Well, I'm sorry to burst your bubbles dear friend but you are not the only (good) woman available to him. Sad, but true. And it's a fact that many of us women need to come to terms with, because take it or leave it, this same thing is applicable to us women too (and trust me when I say that sometimes, the men in our lives fear this too).
Sometimes, a man may meet another woman while in a relationship with his current partner and still fall head over heels for that new lady. And if things go smoothly between them, it may become difficult for him to choose (especially, where his current partner has been with him for quite a while). Chances are that he'll likely keep both women until he is ready to decide who should stay or leave.
If you happen to fall into this kind of predicament (and I mean, whether you are his new or older partner) then I want you to make a strong note of this - ‘indecision is usually a decision of its own’.
Such a man has what it takes to make a decision and stand by it. By stalling he is only being unfair to you both. So it's up to you (the woman) to decide where you stand - not him. This is where most of us ladies fail, we keep on waiting for him to choose, and when he does we are either left happy or hurting.
Leaving him maybe very difficult but it only shows him that you have value for yourself. If he loves you that much he will come after you but if he doesn't then let go. There are other good guys and they'll come eventually if you play your cards right (more on that in a subsequent post).
#2 - He is unsure about building a long-term relationship with you
Do you know that there's such a thing as an ‘in-the-meantime’ girlfriend? I also didn't know this, at least not until a while ago.
You see one of the reasons your man may be unwilling to commit is because he isn't very sure that you are the woman he wants to keep for a lifetime. From my experience and observations, this either occurs when the relationship is still relatively new or when you show up as a woman of low value to that man. You see, no man wants to keep a woman of low-value or standards in the long term. If your man sees you as one of such women he would very likely stall until he is sure that you are a woman of high value, and if not, you will automatically fall into the category of ‘in-the-meantime’ girlfriends while he silently goes about searching for ‘the-once-in-a-lifetime’ kind of girl.
But hey, if your relationship is still new then give it some time, he's probably still trying to figure out which of the categories you belong to. Nevertheless, don't wait too long. Men usually have a way of knowing early enough exactly what they want (unlike us women), and if a man wants you he doesn't need to take forever, he would (right away) do whatever it takes to keep you in the long term.
#3 - You put too much pressure on him
Okay guys, let me share a little secret with you, even though I'm well aware that it would no longer be a secret when I do 😉. So, yeah - I used to be this girl, you know the one who would put so much pressure on her man just to get him to commit. That's me! Or more correctly, that used to be me.
What I learned from doing this was simply this; when you try (that is, attempt, make an effort...) to coerce (that is, force, push, cajole, compel…) a man to do anything (yeah, could be anything other than commitment ladies), he runs in the opposite (contrary to what you intended) direction!
Ladies, take it from me, if your man feels like you are pressuring him into taking your relationship with him to the next level then he's probably gonna hold out for a while longer. Yeah, that's what they do. But let me explain a little bit further the downside of this (not that I wanna take sides with them ☺️).
You see, when you put too much pressure on him you are unknowingly passing across a message to him which says that he is obligated to commit. And when a man feels obligated to do something like that, it is as though you are trying to boss him around in the relationship instead allowing him to be the man. You are invariably trying to steer the relationship instead of allowing him to get to the decision on his own, thereby causing a ripple effect that stirs up negative vibes which he begins to associate with you.
But it doesn't end there, by obsessing over being his ‘future Mrs’ you focus mostly on the future that is yet to be and place little or no attention to the quality of your relationship at the moment. I'm not saying that it's wrong for you to think or fantasize about your future with him, I'm just saying that you shouldn't go overboard with it.
While he too may occasionally or even frequently think about your future together, believe me when I say that he pays even closer attention to the current state of your relationship and how he feels about you or how he feels when he is around you. In essence, your man likely pays more attention to how well (or poorly) you connect with him and how you truly make him feel, and if all you seem to do is put him under too much pressure (causing him to have negative feelings) he will begin to pull away - sometimes gradually and sometimes really fast.
So my advice to you is this, do not rely on the outstanding gesture of commitment for your happiness. If you do you will most likely take what you presently have with him for granted and still ruin what you could have with him in the future. When he sees that your love for him is not dependent on what he can offer (and in this case a proposal) he will be more drawn to you and will readily commit to you on his own accord.
#4 - He has other priorities
If you are not his priority then he is likely not going to propose to you ever! Unless, things change and you become his priority.
Now ladies, please do away with all those funny ideas. You should never try to make a man see you as his priority, don't even think of manipulating him that way because he's gonna know!
I've seen women who have gone as far as getting pregnant (intentionally) for a man just so that he could prioritize them and possibly commit to them, and then, it backfires. The man could only care more for his kid(s) and less for the woman. It happens!
Hey dear soul sister, don't feel bad. I know it's tough when you give so much to a man and he gives so little to you. I too have been there.
You call him, but he doesn't call back, he doesn't text you either, he forgets the important dates in your life, he isn't there for you when you're grieving over the loss of someone who was dear to you, he's totally in the dark about your career, education, business, dreams, goals etc. and unsupportive too, he's not even interested in meeting your friends not to mention your family, and when you try to really talk to him he either dismisses you or spends only about ‘sixty seconds’ in a day talking to you rather than listening…
Don't be fooled, if a man treats you this way then you are not his priority and you shouldn't even be expecting him to commit to you anytime soon. And my personal advice is that you should walk away from such a man, no, don't just walk but run as far as you can away from him, by so doing you will be creating space for the right man to find you!
#5 - The timing is not right
Have you ever been in a relationship with a high school/college/university student? Well, I have. And I'm sure most of you reading too have also experienced this at some point. Now imagine for a second that one of us asked our high school boyfriend to propose to us at that time. Hilarious, right?
You see another reason your man may not commit to you anytime soon is because of wrong timing. Perhaps, a marriage between you both just doesn't fit into the scheme of things/events in his life for now. Unlike us women, men like to have things (pretty much, their whole life) sorted out before proceeding with a commitment, especially the marriage kind. And if he is yet to do so (maybe get a job or steady source of income, a comfortable house that you both can live in, a career, a degree etc.) chances are that he would not likely commit to you - just yet!
I had to add the ‘just yet’ as a way of emphasizing that wrong timing being his reason for not committing doesn't entirely rule out the possibility of him committing to you. But you need to be smart here so you don't get fooled because he could just be stalling and using this as an excuse. Remember what I said earlier, if a man wants you he's going to do whatever it takes to keep you as soon as possible. This is how you'd know whether he's just stalling or not.
If he has plans for the commitment but is somewhat prohibited by circumstances or ‘wrong timing’ as it were then you are going to notice some salient changes about him. You're gonna notice that he is going to gradually switch from bachelor-mode to husband-to-be-mode. If it's the latter then you'd pretty much notice that he will begin to make changes that will accommodate your presence in his life as his wife. And he does this while either pursuing his degree, job hunting, searching for an apartment and pretty much every other thing he does as a way of getting his life sorted.
On the other hand, you would know if he isn't ready for commitment when he doesn't put you into consideration while going about the affairs of his life.
#6 - You are not worth committing to
Okay ladies, this is where I may or may not offend some of y’all reading this. Earlier, I talked about men not wanting to commit to low-value women. Well, please allow me to repeat this here because it is very important.
What if I told you that the reason your man doesn't want to commit is simply - YOU. It leaves you wondering I suppose. Well, here is what I mean, if your man should for any reason sense that you aren't worth his commitment then he isn't going to commit to you.
‘How does he get to this conclusion?’ you may ask, well it's quite simple and yet complicated sort of. A man decides whether or not you are worth his commitment by knowing your worth (in other words, your value or standards as a woman). This is where you might be asked figuratively, ‘so yeah- we get it that you are in a relationship with Mr. Right but what are you bringing to the (his) table?’
The mistake most of us women make is thinking that we can simply TELL a man our worth. But girl, trust me when I say that it doesn't work that way. Your behavior tells a man what you are worth much more than your words ever will.
(Did I just hear a ‘preach on sister!’ from one of y’all? 😉).
Can I just share my unpopular opinion on this one? You see, I strongly believe that men are creatures of observation. They may not all pay attention to every single detail but they really do observe us a whole lot more than we usually think. And yes, they can easily tell whether we are high-value material or not.
Haven't you ever wondered why most men date multiple girls, (sometimes all at once and sometimes they move from one girl to another), and yet end up with or commit to ONE OUT OF THE MANY? Could it be that she (that is, ‘the one out of many’ girl) had something those other girls didn't have?
Well, I would tell you the truth, although I think some of you don't want to hear it, but yes, there's a pretty good chance that she has some qualities which men find lacking in some women.
This is me speaking figuratively, however, the truth isn't far-fetched. Believe it or not, every man wants the best and no man would so eagerly settle for less (unless he finds himself in a very tight corner with no other option). That's right!
So your next question could be, ‘what are those behaviors that portray a woman as low-value?’ Well, I would tell you but not right now, it would be in a subsequent article, so be sure to look out for it ☺️
#7 - He's only in for sex
You know ladies, I saved this for last on purpose because I know that so many of us are too familiar with this particular reason. In fact, this is usually what so many of us resort to when asked the reason for the delay in having a solid commitment from our partners.
We feel they only want sex and nothing more. Well, if this is how you truly feel about your relationship then you really need to tread cautiously. I say this because if a man is only in a relationship for the sex he can get from or have with you, then there's a very slim chance of getting his full commitment in such a relationship.
Here's something you need to know (and beware of) about men, they usually have a strong sense of intent. When a man decides to pursue you he already knows what his intentions are from the very beginning. And if all he wants from you is sex then here's what could happen;
he is going to get it and run,
or
he's going to get it, enjoy it and possibly keep you around for a while so that he can keep on getting it, and then run much later (especially when he finds his next prey/victim, or when he grows up and falls in love with another woman),
or
he's going to try as much as he possibly can (do whatever is within his means to get you to accept him) and someday give up trying when you repeatedly refuse to give in.
or
he's going to get it, enjoy it and then get dumped by you...and if that happens, he's probably gonna come back or chase after you even harder than before...or not.
The list of possibilities goes on and on, but hey, don't expect me to say that he would eventually commit to you because he is likely not going to. I mean, please try to think about this from a man’s perspective, if he only came for the sex then that's what he's going to focus on getting before he leaves. But then, we already know this, yet some of us keep falling 😉.
Here's a word of advice to wrap this all up;
If a man doesn't want you in his life don't force it. And if your man is not ready to commit don't be a chicken about it (in essence, don't lose your self-worth over it). Focus on building your value as a woman and making the best out of your relationship, soon enough that man (hopefully, he is the right one) will commit to you…
I'll talk to you again soon and I would in my next article share yet another very interesting and informative topic which y’all don't want to miss.
If you enjoyed reading this article please help me share it with others, who knows, someone's love life might be transformed for good just by reading this.
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2 Comments
Really informative and hope someone reading will try to be observatnt of these 7 reasons though, not exhaustive. But, has most of the reasons intact, over 90% of it.
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